Standardized Torture

About a year ago I posted an excerpt from my manuscript, "Caught in the Middle", regarding the insanity of standardized testing. Since this is testing season I thought I would post a bit more from that chapter. Although I haven't found a literary agent that appreciates middle school humor, I know my teacher friends definitely will! Hope you enjoy!

...Once a year schools gear up for the monstrous administration of THE TEST. It usually takes approximately five days out of the school calendar not counting the weeks used to review for THE TEST or all the make-ups for kids that were absent during THE TEST because heaven forbid the child was sick with the flu. Say this next line in your head using your most vicious Nazi accent – YOU VILL take ZEE TEST OR ELSE!

Each school has a principal or test coordinator who is responsible for the security and administration of THE TEST. This person turns into a raving lunatic during the five or more days of administration and usually needs serious anti-anxiety drugs and liquor every evening after school.

The pressure put on principals, teachers and students is incredible because the school’s scores are compared to others in the district and state and if the numbers don’t come up as they should – well, you get “special friends” that come to your school and tell you how to conduct your business – the term “friend” being used very loosely.

Here is how the trickledown effect works, or in language we can all understand - how the poo poo rolls downhill:

The state ranks your district and school and publishes the results for the world to see.

The district ranks your school compared to other schools in the district and publishes the results for the world to see.

If the results are not as expected the principal gets called in to his or her supervisor to explain why the students did not perform as expected. After a tense and nerve-wracking meeting with the supervisor, the head principal then looks to the assistant principal in charge of whatever subject area results that sucked to explain why the students did not perform as expected.

The assistant principal, who by now is experiencing a serious sleep disorder, then speaks to the teachers of that subject area and sternly warns them that things need to change and new strategies must be implemented to increase student performance.

The teachers, who are now terrified of receiving poor evaluations

 and have developed eye twitches and rashes of undetermined origin, become crazy teaching machines throwing everything but the kitchen sink into their lessons, and continually tell students that they will need to learn this and that for THE TEST. As a result, by the time THE TEST comes around the students have glazed over eyes and are near comatose. That’s it in a nutshell.

Interestingly, all students take the same test. Here’s a shocker… the students with an IQ of 130 will score better than the student with an IQ of 85. I know -  truly mind-blowing isn’t it?  In fact school systems can now use formulas to PREDICT what a student’s score will most likely be. My questions is – if they can tell what it’s going to be ahead of time why in the hell do students need to bother taking the test? Does anyone else not see this as a colossal waste of time and money??? I'm going to market the t-shirt… "Common sense ain’t common". A money-maker for sure.

I think since every aspect of education and every employee in a school has become a piece of the accountability pie, I’m going to suggest to the school board that we find a way to have parents take a standardized test regarding parenting skills. You know – so we can determine if they need some remediation or if they are doing a bang up job. That way they would be held accountable and we could publish the results for all the world to see. Ground-breaking suggestion, don't you think?

                             * * * * * * * * * * * * 
P.S.  Progress on the master bath is slow. The plumber is coming this week and assisting with installation of the shower pan and shower conversion plumbing. Hopefully, I will have some pictures to post next week. Still no injuries! 

Ever suggest something and then regret it?

Work on the master bath has ground to a halt as we wait for the shower pan to be delivered. Because of structural and plumbing issues we needed to order a very large 48 x 60 pan. I was hoping for a smaller shower in this very small bathroom but...that's how it goes. Renovations mean problem-solving and flexibility, for sure.

Wall for the pocket door

Before we even picked up a crowbar we had many discussions about how we envisioned the space. One idea I mentioned was the possibility of a pocket door to give the illusion of more space. Or if that wasn't possible then installing a medicine cabinet on that wall for more storage. Unbeknownst to me, Phil has been gnawing on this idea of a pocket door from that first conversation and has decided it's something we can't live without. I think I would have gone with just the medicine cabinet. I'm not too proud to admit that I'm a coward!

Our new nemesis

I love Phil's determination and confidence that we can make this happen, but I'm tellin' ya, this is complicated. It involves removing studs, recreating the header above the door, moving electricity, and getting the measurements just perfect. 

No matter how long or how much you look at it...

it's going to be a bear of a project.

Wish us luck - we're going to need it!

It has begun...

Finally, we are underway renovating the master bath.

You know when Chip Gaines from Fixer Upper exclaims, "It's Demo Day!"? Well, in this house we scream, "It's Demo Week!" Unlike the shows on HGTV, we don't have a crew waiting in the wings for the cameras to stop after the stars put down their sledgehammers. So we have to take our time and do it ourselves. Basically, we're just two old people with crowbars.

I have budgeted $4000 but would really like to stay under that amount. However, shisnick happens. For example, we did not figure on replacing the insulation, but there is definitely some mildew in there and we want it all out. We will put up a plastic moisture barrier and install new insulation. More time, more money, but worth it.

We've made some progress and are hopefully ready to start leaving the demo behind and move on to the renovation part. We still need to remove the toilet and the tile on the floor (which is definitely NOT fun or fast).

             

I am so glad to say "bye-bye" to this bathroom

Took out tub area first

Then worked our way around the room taking down the sheet rock

Vanity and sink were removed as well as any insulation with mildew. You can see where the moisture got in by the roof flashing. We've had a new roof installed so hopefully this will not happen again.

We did not get very far in regards to the tile. It's a slow, laborious job with a hammer and chisel, unless you have one of those jackhammer chisels which we don't. And I'm not saying a word to Phil otherwise a jackhammer will end up in our garage!

So far there have been no significant bleeding incidences or trips to the ER. I'm sure it's inevitable, but we will do our best to avoid self-inflicted injury. Stay tuned...

When moving DAY turns into moving WEEK...

Sometimes it felt like this

I recently traveled to California 
to assist my daughter who was moving into a new apartment. This is the first apartment since she started college in which she will live without a roommate. Her own place. It's a big step for sure. And not an easy thing to afford in a pricey place like Los Angeles.

I don't know if any of you have ever helped one of your grown children move, but I have to say it's definitely quite an experience. As we older adults plan a move, we prepare months in advance. Make lists, collect boxes, reserve trucks, find friends to help. Or best case scenario - hire someone to do everything or just stay in the same house for 30 years to avoid having to move.

How people over 35 move

How people under 35 move

In the case of twenty-somethings, I have discovered that moving preparation is highly over-rated to them. In fact, just winging it seems to be the modus- operandi of this particular age group, which in turn, causes my age group to grow more grey hair.

Sorry George. Maybe next time.

We started on a Wednesday and finished on the following Tuesday. Yes, it took that long. Trust me, it's not like we were taking time off to head to Malibu Beach or watch the movie stars and paparazzi on the red carpet at the Oscars, which by the way was walking distance to her place. With her working during the day, me trying to do as much as possible on my own during the day, and both of us working on the move late into the night, we were just too exhausted to even think about fighting the crowds at the Dolby Theater. George Clooney himself couldn't entice me to drag my tired butt down Hollywood Blvd when I was surrounded by chaos in a studio apartment.

When I first walked into the empty, lifeless apartment, I thought to myself - it's old (I mean REALLY old, circa early 1900's), it smells, and it's SMALL (I mean REALLY small). But being the ever optimist I said to my daughter, "I think we can make this work. It will be fabulous." 

Surrounded by a mountain (think Mt. Everest) of clothes and shoes and armed with only a couch, dresser, bookcase, a few mismatched chairs, plus a can of Febreeze, I believe we worked some magic. 

BEFORE

This is her bedroom which is, in reality, a large closet.
She's lucky to have this space in a studio apartment.

Definitely a one-person kitchen

DURING

I'd like to hurt the person who is responsible for IKEA

AFTER

She may be 25 and living independently, but her childhood
stuffed animal is still ever-present.

Curtains and wall art still have to be hung, but thanks to garage sale finds and several torturous trips to IKEA we did it! It's cute, it's clean, and it's functional. 
Daughter is happy. 

And so is Mom.

Does every old house have a resident gremlin?

Well we certainly do! I'm absolutely positive that is what is to blame for all the things constantly breaking in our 30 year old house. 

I doubt very seriously our gremlin is this cute.

For instance:

Right after Christmas - BAM!!!! The garage door breaks.

Then the next week - BAM!!! The barrel inside the washing machine decides to take on a life of its own.

Next - BAM!!! Our television, begins to turn itself on and off as if it's possessed.

And now...(read in your head with French accent) the piece de resistance ...the icing on the cake...the big momma of breakage...

BAM!!! THE FURNACE!

And it's 20 degrees outside.

Yes, that's right. The invisible gremlin struck again and this time it's personal.

It's no longer about not being able to use the garage entrance.
It's no longer about not being able to have clean underwear in a drawer.
It's no longer about watching your favorite HGTV show and the screen suddenly goes black.

This is probably what our invisible gremlin looks like controlling our TV.

It's about surviving in a house with just the heat from the fireplace. And I gotta tell ya, this gremlin better be careful, because if I ever catch the little son-of-a (well, you know) I'm going to feed him to the dog next door.

He seems to know EXACTLY when there is a little bit of extra money in the savings account and BAM!!! He strikes again.

Sigh... 
Maybe I should check and see if gremlins are covered under our pest control contract. Damn...

Muffin top = a good thing?

Most women detest having a muffin top. I don't mean the sweet kind. I'm talking about the one you have when your jeans are too tight.
However, this post is NOT about weight or body image issues, although I could probably write a book about THAT. It's actually about finding a fabulous recipe for muffins and sharing it. If you have been reading this blog you know I love to renovate. What you may not know is I also love to cook. 

It would make an awesome B & B!

Like my love of cooking, unbeknownst to many is my secret fantasy about owning a Bed and Breakfast. Yes, I know. Most women my age fantasize about having their way with George Clooney. But hey - he's got that gorgeous, skinny, civil  rights lawyer as a wife now, so I'm bowing out of that particular fantasy. The Thomasville house (see archived posts) was screaming BED AND BREAKFAST to me the whole time we toured through it. In actuality, we are not any more closer to owning that piping hot mess of a house than we were in August. But, every once and awhile when I  try a new recipe I say to Phil, "That's one for the Bed and Breakfast!" I found  one recently and it was so unbelievably good I had to share it with you.

These mouth-watering blueberry muffins are scrumptious and easy to make. Give it a try. It would definitely make the cut for my Bed and Breakfast menu. And... you will love THESE muffin tops!

'/'

INCREDIBLE BLUEBERRY MUFFINS - Makes 12 muffins

      1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

3/4 cup white sugar

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 teaspoons baking powder

1/3 cup vegetable oil

1 egg

1/3 or so cup milk

1 cup fresh blueberries (I used more)

1/2 cup white sugar

1/3 cup all-purpose flour

1/4 cup butter, cubed

1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Grease muffin cups or line with muffin liners (I sprayed top of pan with Pam too).
2. Combine 1 1/2 cups flour, 3/4 cup sugar, salt and baking powder. Place vegetable oil into a 1 cup measuring cup; add the egg and enough milk to fill the cup. Mix this with flour mixture. Fold in blueberries. Fill muffin cups right to the top, and sprinkle with crumb topping mixture.
3. To Make Crumb Topping: Mix together 1/2 cup sugar, 1/3 cup flour, 1/4 cup butter, and 1 1/2 teaspoons cinnamon. Mix with fork until crumbly, and sprinkle over muffins before baking.
4. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes in the preheated oven, or until done. (I baked them for 23 minutes in a regular (not non-stick) muffin pan.

Is a wood burning fireplace worth all the work?

If you ask me that question while I'm reading by the fire and enjoying a glass of wine I would say, "No brainer! Of course!" However, if you ask me while we are moving and stacking multiple cords of wood I would say, "Perhaps a gas insert may be the way to go."

After receiving help from our son and neighbor, all the wood was split and left in piles on the lawn. HUGE piles.


The next step and obvious question was, "Where the heck are we going to store all this wood?" Leave it to Phil to have an answer.

He said, "I'm going to build a (key word being "a") structure to hold the logs."

Construction phase

"Great!", I thought. We have some room at the edge of our property to hold a bit more wood. That shouldn't cost much. A couple 2 x 4s. Perfect.

But...with Phil one is never enough, therefore he decided to build THREE! Count 'em..THREE! And actually - I must admit he was right. Not only did we need all three of them, but it's STILL not enough storage.

End result:

Unfortunately - 
we still have...

this

and this

and this.

Good news is if there is ever a nuclear disaster, some kind of horrific natural calamity, or another snowmageddon we'll be prepared.

After the remainder of this wood is stacked and stored, the next item on our "to-do" list better be the master bath or a marriage counselor just might be placed on speed dial. Just sayin'.