Is Valentine's Day a minefield?

Answer: Absolutely – for guys. There is a reason why the moniker “St. Valentine's” is either followed by the word “Day” or “Massacre”.

Listen - this holiday is all about the female population. A guy could care less about receiving a gift for Valentine’s Day and he only buys gifts to placate the woman in his life. I would imagine if someone did a survey of the male population in regards to which Hallmark days to remove from the calendar, this particular day would be number one on the list, and right behind it - wedding anniversaries. Think of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally and the scene in the deli. You know – faking the big “O”? Well, men fake Valentine's Day and rarely do they nail the romance like Meg did the orgasm.

Women put a lot of emphasis on romance and equate Valentine’s Day with just that. Romance is definitely connected to the female sex glands, but for guys - not so much. In their defense, many of them put up a good front and give it their best, but it's really a stretch and just not in their DNA. To be honest, I kind of feel bad for men. It's like we are asking them to do something that is not natural. Mostly, men could care less about love songs and scented candles and pretty much just want to get to the sex part. 

Typical example of woman vs man:

For Valentine’s Day a woman fixes her man his favorite meal served by candlelight and has bought some very sexy lingerie to surprise her mate après dinner. The guy however, purchases a bread-making machine at Target.

He’s thinking, “Who doesn't like bread, right?”

And when the woman sees the bread machine????

Let's just say the guy may eventually may get the bread - but not the nooky.

During this holiday, the gauntlet and potholes that men usually encounter change depending on where they are in the relationship, which alone is enough to confuse the most intelligent male. The following is my Valentine's Day advice to men:

Relationship #1 

You have recently met and have gone on a few dates. Valentine’s Day is approaching. Do you give her a gift or not? On the one hand, if you give her a gift you better be ready to take the relationship to the next level, because in her mind you have just sealed the deal. If you don’t give her a gift, you can forget about having that first romp in the sack for a while. You’ll be starting at date #1 all over again. Kind of like “DO NOT PASS GO– DO NOT COLLECT $200”.  Pick your poison.

Relationship #2

You have been dating for more than a year and here comes Valentine’s Day. I’m telling you right now she is looking for that ring in a box and I’m not talking about a nose ring either. So, don’t show up with the box of Whitman’s chocolates you bought at Walgreens that most likely is left over from last year. You know the kind of box I mean, with the little legend that gives you the type of candy that’s in each square? If you are going the candy route you better buy Godiva so when she throws the box at you, the candy will probably be fresher and not like miniature projectile missiles. And with Godiva you can at least enjoy the chocolates that didn’t fall out of the box as your butt is being kicked out the door.

Relationship #3

You have been married for a while – say 10 years. All I can say is….see bread machine example. If you value your sex life, do your best to stay away from any gift with a plug. Appliances have never screamed romance. And for god’s sake don’t buy her tickets to an NBA game because YOU love your team when she doesn’t even know what a foul shot is. That’s just plain suicidal.

Relationship #4

You have been married 20 years or more. The wife is probably going through menopause so this is automatically a no win situation. Leave town for a week and maybe she will forget. Forgetfulness is actually a characteristic of menopause, along with biting the heads off anyone that gets in her way, and possibly eating her young. Be afraid – be very afraid.

You can understand why February 15th is the best day of the year for men. It means they have 364 pressure-free days until the next Valentine's Day fiasco.

Now, I’d selfishly like to add a postscript to my husband:

You have a “GET OUT OF JAIL FREE” card in regards to Valentine’s Day for eternity. The way you took care of me during my hip replacement surgery and hip rehab was priceless and precious to me. THAT is true love. After 29 years of marriage, the pressure’s off babe.

Happy Valentine’s Day Phil!

And Happy Valentine’s Day to all my readers!