Standardized Torture

About a year ago I posted an excerpt from my manuscript, "Caught in the Middle", regarding the insanity of standardized testing. Since this is testing season I thought I would post a bit more from that chapter. Although I haven't found a literary agent that appreciates middle school humor, I know my teacher friends definitely will! Hope you enjoy!

...Once a year schools gear up for the monstrous administration of THE TEST. It usually takes approximately five days out of the school calendar not counting the weeks used to review for THE TEST or all the make-ups for kids that were absent during THE TEST because heaven forbid the child was sick with the flu. Say this next line in your head using your most vicious Nazi accent – YOU VILL take ZEE TEST OR ELSE!

Each school has a principal or test coordinator who is responsible for the security and administration of THE TEST. This person turns into a raving lunatic during the five or more days of administration and usually needs serious anti-anxiety drugs and liquor every evening after school.

The pressure put on principals, teachers and students is incredible because the school’s scores are compared to others in the district and state and if the numbers don’t come up as they should – well, you get “special friends” that come to your school and tell you how to conduct your business – the term “friend” being used very loosely.

Here is how the trickledown effect works, or in language we can all understand - how the poo poo rolls downhill:

The state ranks your district and school and publishes the results for the world to see.

The district ranks your school compared to other schools in the district and publishes the results for the world to see.

If the results are not as expected the principal gets called in to his or her supervisor to explain why the students did not perform as expected. After a tense and nerve-wracking meeting with the supervisor, the head principal then looks to the assistant principal in charge of whatever subject area results that sucked to explain why the students did not perform as expected.

The assistant principal, who by now is experiencing a serious sleep disorder, then speaks to the teachers of that subject area and sternly warns them that things need to change and new strategies must be implemented to increase student performance.

The teachers, who are now terrified of receiving poor evaluations

 and have developed eye twitches and rashes of undetermined origin, become crazy teaching machines throwing everything but the kitchen sink into their lessons, and continually tell students that they will need to learn this and that for THE TEST. As a result, by the time THE TEST comes around the students have glazed over eyes and are near comatose. That’s it in a nutshell.

Interestingly, all students take the same test. Here’s a shocker… the students with an IQ of 130 will score better than the student with an IQ of 85. I know -  truly mind-blowing isn’t it?  In fact school systems can now use formulas to PREDICT what a student’s score will most likely be. My questions is – if they can tell what it’s going to be ahead of time why in the hell do students need to bother taking the test? Does anyone else not see this as a colossal waste of time and money??? I'm going to market the t-shirt… "Common sense ain’t common". A money-maker for sure.

I think since every aspect of education and every employee in a school has become a piece of the accountability pie, I’m going to suggest to the school board that we find a way to have parents take a standardized test regarding parenting skills. You know – so we can determine if they need some remediation or if they are doing a bang up job. That way they would be held accountable and we could publish the results for all the world to see. Ground-breaking suggestion, don't you think?

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P.S.  Progress on the master bath is slow. The plumber is coming this week and assisting with installation of the shower pan and shower conversion plumbing. Hopefully, I will have some pictures to post next week. Still no injuries! 

Ever suggest something and then regret it?

Work on the master bath has ground to a halt as we wait for the shower pan to be delivered. Because of structural and plumbing issues we needed to order a very large 48 x 60 pan. I was hoping for a smaller shower in this very small bathroom but...that's how it goes. Renovations mean problem-solving and flexibility, for sure.

Wall for the pocket door

Before we even picked up a crowbar we had many discussions about how we envisioned the space. One idea I mentioned was the possibility of a pocket door to give the illusion of more space. Or if that wasn't possible then installing a medicine cabinet on that wall for more storage. Unbeknownst to me, Phil has been gnawing on this idea of a pocket door from that first conversation and has decided it's something we can't live without. I think I would have gone with just the medicine cabinet. I'm not too proud to admit that I'm a coward!

Our new nemesis

I love Phil's determination and confidence that we can make this happen, but I'm tellin' ya, this is complicated. It involves removing studs, recreating the header above the door, moving electricity, and getting the measurements just perfect. 

No matter how long or how much you look at it...

it's going to be a bear of a project.

Wish us luck - we're going to need it!

It has begun...

Finally, we are underway renovating the master bath.

You know when Chip Gaines from Fixer Upper exclaims, "It's Demo Day!"? Well, in this house we scream, "It's Demo Week!" Unlike the shows on HGTV, we don't have a crew waiting in the wings for the cameras to stop after the stars put down their sledgehammers. So we have to take our time and do it ourselves. Basically, we're just two old people with crowbars.

I have budgeted $4000 but would really like to stay under that amount. However, shisnick happens. For example, we did not figure on replacing the insulation, but there is definitely some mildew in there and we want it all out. We will put up a plastic moisture barrier and install new insulation. More time, more money, but worth it.

We've made some progress and are hopefully ready to start leaving the demo behind and move on to the renovation part. We still need to remove the toilet and the tile on the floor (which is definitely NOT fun or fast).

             

I am so glad to say "bye-bye" to this bathroom

Took out tub area first

Then worked our way around the room taking down the sheet rock

Vanity and sink were removed as well as any insulation with mildew. You can see where the moisture got in by the roof flashing. We've had a new roof installed so hopefully this will not happen again.

We did not get very far in regards to the tile. It's a slow, laborious job with a hammer and chisel, unless you have one of those jackhammer chisels which we don't. And I'm not saying a word to Phil otherwise a jackhammer will end up in our garage!

So far there have been no significant bleeding incidences or trips to the ER. I'm sure it's inevitable, but we will do our best to avoid self-inflicted injury. Stay tuned...